Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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