I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
