Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
