so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
