my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
