well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
