I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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