he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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