Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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