i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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