You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
