Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
