why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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