friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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