I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
