please come you make the beer taste better
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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