that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
