I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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