it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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