I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
