she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
