Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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