i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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