he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
