Where is the hickey?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
