I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
