Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
