the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
