My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Randomize
