How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Houston, we have a blender
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
