false alarm. still invincible.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
