i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
