i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The adults are the big ones right?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize