I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
