Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
