Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
