I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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