I want to stick my p in your. b.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
