Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
