I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
