I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
