I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
