He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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