Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
