Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
