1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
