Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
