If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
