worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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