Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
