We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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