Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
