help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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