Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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