Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
