how can u be prego again
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
