there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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