Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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