I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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