I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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