Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
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I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
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I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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